Born In My Heart---a Valentine for my Daughter

They say in adoption that your child was born in your heart. This is day ours was born. You can check out the link here.

In The End...

To pull all the corners together of the last two posts, I would say that we have smoothed out pretty much most of our initial fear of each other, AJ and I.

My fear of the unknown was the worst. I didn't know what made her laugh. Who knew that she had a sick and depraved sense of humor like Dale and myself? I don't even know if it would be considered emotionally healthy to laugh at some of the things we do, but I certainly know it isn't proper.

I was afraid she would never love me. I guess that is the bottom line. I didn't 'know' her. Yes, I had known her on the surface for two years or more. But I didn't know her as a person. She had a habit of telling people what they wanted to hear for a while. It really was hard to get inside her head and find out what she really was thinking. Sometimes I'm not sure I've made it there. I do know that she loves me. That wasn't an overnight thing though.

In promoting attachment I found them to work both ways. I found myself becoming protective of her even if I still was confused and exhausted. Once the new wore off, we started learning about each other. I had a lot of lost time to make up for. Some of the things...she hated. For instance, I made a mix CD for her with songs that had special meanings. She hated it and would not listen to it. The pink baby blanket with her name on it? She loves to this day.

I can hardly remember life without her. She doesn't like to address adoption and wishes we never discussed it. I don't like to dwell on it but can't help but honor how our family is built. The adoption process has rewired the way I think and react to situations. It is a presence in our life that is neither good nor bad. It just is.

I think that all things have worked out in the end. The people who had strong faith never wavered. I'm glad I have them to hold onto.

Unplanned Children

My daughter was a surprise to us. We met her a year before we began the process of adopting her. When the idea of adopting a child presented itself to us, we were pretty much looking at life as people who were almost to the finish line of child raising. We had about 3 years to go and we were free.

Then my husband uttered his famous last words. "I guess all of this will work unless a little girl falls in our laps."

The next day she stopped by my classroom on the way to the library and announced that was going to be making a video, airing for the purpose of finding a family for her. I knew at that very moment that a little girl had just landed in my lap. If only it had been that easy.

We actually had more of a thought process about that just random "Oh we will grab the first child we see". We prayed. We talked. We wondered how we could do something we thought was never going to be a possibility. Then we decided to at least try and see what the powers that be said to us.

They said no. Then they said yes. Then No. Then Sure. Then maybe. Then Never. Then finally, Yes. But only if. It was a process like no other. Our marriage was tested beyond any limits it had been stretched before. It peeled away layers of our soul that the other had never seen. Sounds corny but spend months reliving your childhood, all previous losses, and everything else you've ever done: Write about it 3 times and then be interviewed twice. You will learn a thing or twelve.

As insane as the fight to her was, the actual 'getting' her was a shock to my system. We were driving home with her. She fell asleep. I looked at her and wondered...What in the name of all that is Holy have I done? I had a vague remembrance of the whole mountain o'crap that we had been through to get her. It was wiped clean pretty much. I was now blown away by the fact that WE were responsible for this child. This innocent child who had probably been through more in her short life that all of us put together. How on earth could we parent her? What had we done?

While I was terrified and throwing up all the time, Dale was as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. He was confident that once she ever was handed over to us, she was ours. It was as if she had always been ours to him. I'm thrilled that he had such faith.

Me, I was still scared. Right now I can't really elaborate as this small child is over my shoulder, wanting some one on one time.

We're not in Texas anymore....

Yesterday we made the short drive to Arkansas to visit my mother. Right before we adopted we had a plan to start building down there and eventually move. The adoption changed our course though. AJ really does want to live there, even though you look out the back door and see this.



















We thought we had life planned and had a surprise. Our baby girl. I don't know if our path in life changed or if she helped us stay on the one meant for us. Either way, we are going in the right direction now.

Home

I haven't left the house at all today. I was going to go get groceries but I had a bad start to the morning with AJ and she has pretty much slept all day. She got up twice but went back to bed. She didn't even eat lunch. That is unusual for her. I think the night of missed sleep and a few pain pills in the last few days have caught up with her.

All in all, I think her attachment to us is very good. Older child adoptions have to work on attachment and bonding. We did, it was hard, and I may write about it all someday. My point in talking about it now is that when something like this happens she tends to regress a little in the attachment area.

She wants me in her sight at all times. If she goes to the bathroom when we are out, she wants me with her. If she is here, she wants to be right under me. If I try to do something else I hear, "Mom, don't you love me and want to take care of me?".

These days are hard for me. She clings and whines and I try to be patient. To be honest, I was happy that she slept so much today. I then felt a load of guilt so I didn't enjoy it all that much.

The Writer In The Family

I'm sure I am skipping all over the place in this blog. While I had hoped that we would reach a point that adoption wasn't even something we thought of anymore, that isn't so much an option anymore. No, we don't make a point of saying, "don't forget, you are adopted."

There is much more than that to it. We don't talk about it everyday but we talk about things as needed. My decision to volunteer for CPS keeps my back in the world of foster care and adoption. Not until this summer did AJ have any participation in this. Of course, going to the office brought back memories. I don't know if it is good or bad, it just is. Memories exist and who am I to say she has to forget them. She can't even if she tried.

In other news, she wrote a story that is being published by Chicken Soup For the Soul. The book will be released in Sept and her story tells about her dog and how he came to be a member of this family. She compares it to how she was also one with a not so great start in life but has found a home.

This opportunity comes at the same time she has been asked to be the spotlight child for National Adoption Month in our area. She will be busy and I am praying that it will all be for a good cause. While I don't want her to stand out because she is adopted, I don't want to ever deny her past or heritage. We love her no less because she is adopted and it is just what it is. It is the way we built our family.