I Know

It has been forever since an update. So much has happened that I can't even begin to fill it all in. We did a lot of adoption related stuff and it was wonderful. We had the opportunity to share our story on a local TV station, a magazine, and newspapers. It was all for National Adoption Day. We even spoke at the local National Adoption Day ceremony in our neighboring town.

Of course, the star looked beautiful at everything.

I Cut!

...or "Dreaming of Blue Water"

AJ has always wanted a pedicure. I've taken her to get her nails painted but felt she was too young for the feet in the water pedi. After having a good report from her Dr. about her foot fracture, we went to get pedicures.

She had the little guy that is quiet and gentle. I'll bet he spent 30 minutes just massaging her feet. Me? I got the girl that is speedy. She got into my almost ingrown toenail and went to town. I tried to let her know it was painful but leaning up, groaning, and even screaming. She never even flinched. She looked at me and smiled (all the while digging in my big toe with a razor sharp knife) and said, "I cut!"

Yes, you did. Then she got some sharp tools and dug around. I was clenched in a tight ball by the time she started on my cuticles. Meanwhile, princess is being massaged.

It was a fun day. It was also something she has dreamed of for years. I'm glad we got to do it, even if I got the short end of the stick.

In The End...

To pull all the corners together of the last two posts, I would say that we have smoothed out pretty much most of our initial fear of each other, AJ and I.

My fear of the unknown was the worst. I didn't know what made her laugh. Who knew that she had a sick and depraved sense of humor like Dale and myself? I don't even know if it would be considered emotionally healthy to laugh at some of the things we do, but I certainly know it isn't proper.

I was afraid she would never love me. I guess that is the bottom line. I didn't 'know' her. Yes, I had known her on the surface for two years or more. But I didn't know her as a person. She had a habit of telling people what they wanted to hear for a while. It really was hard to get inside her head and find out what she really was thinking. Sometimes I'm not sure I've made it there. I do know that she loves me. That wasn't an overnight thing though.

In promoting attachment I found them to work both ways. I found myself becoming protective of her even if I still was confused and exhausted. Once the new wore off, we started learning about each other. I had a lot of lost time to make up for. Some of the things...she hated. For instance, I made a mix CD for her with songs that had special meanings. She hated it and would not listen to it. The pink baby blanket with her name on it? She loves to this day.

I can hardly remember life without her. She doesn't like to address adoption and wishes we never discussed it. I don't like to dwell on it but can't help but honor how our family is built. The adoption process has rewired the way I think and react to situations. It is a presence in our life that is neither good nor bad. It just is.

I think that all things have worked out in the end. The people who had strong faith never wavered. I'm glad I have them to hold onto.

Unplanned, Part 2

Yes, I was terrified of my daughter on day one. She was so sweet. She hugged everyone and had fabulous social skills. Since I had spent the past nine months or so immersed in the study of older child adoption, those were all red flags. Yes, the more adjusted she appeared the worse she probably was. She had not been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) but I knew that we were going to hit attachment issues even in the best of situations.

We spent the first few weeks with me spending every waking second with her. I teach school so even though I wasn't beside her, she knew I was there. I woke her up, chose her clothes, dressed her as you would a baby, I prepared her breakfast and then did her hair. After school we did things together and then when it was around 6:00 I had her get a shower. We then watched a little TV until 7:00 and then I got into bed with her. We read a book or watched TV or talked.

I have to be honest that the attachment worked both ways. I had to fall in love with her. At first it was so difficult. Her heart was as hard as a rock. Yes, she smiled and giggled and had decent manners. But it wasn't real. I realized that when I heard her really laugh for the first time. It broke my heart that I had her fake laugh for weeks as real.

We did laugh, and we still do. She used to say, "Make me laugh, Momma." And I try. Sometimes I have to say something shocking but she still laughs. We have attached. I even laugh at her sometimes.













































This picture was taken during her first few weeks at home. We did a lot of sidewalk chalk and she danced on a regular basis. She's outgrown the chalk but still dances.

Unplanned Children

My daughter was a surprise to us. We met her a year before we began the process of adopting her. When the idea of adopting a child presented itself to us, we were pretty much looking at life as people who were almost to the finish line of child raising. We had about 3 years to go and we were free.

Then my husband uttered his famous last words. "I guess all of this will work unless a little girl falls in our laps."

The next day she stopped by my classroom on the way to the library and announced that was going to be making a video, airing for the purpose of finding a family for her. I knew at that very moment that a little girl had just landed in my lap. If only it had been that easy.

We actually had more of a thought process about that just random "Oh we will grab the first child we see". We prayed. We talked. We wondered how we could do something we thought was never going to be a possibility. Then we decided to at least try and see what the powers that be said to us.

They said no. Then they said yes. Then No. Then Sure. Then maybe. Then Never. Then finally, Yes. But only if. It was a process like no other. Our marriage was tested beyond any limits it had been stretched before. It peeled away layers of our soul that the other had never seen. Sounds corny but spend months reliving your childhood, all previous losses, and everything else you've ever done: Write about it 3 times and then be interviewed twice. You will learn a thing or twelve.

As insane as the fight to her was, the actual 'getting' her was a shock to my system. We were driving home with her. She fell asleep. I looked at her and wondered...What in the name of all that is Holy have I done? I had a vague remembrance of the whole mountain o'crap that we had been through to get her. It was wiped clean pretty much. I was now blown away by the fact that WE were responsible for this child. This innocent child who had probably been through more in her short life that all of us put together. How on earth could we parent her? What had we done?

While I was terrified and throwing up all the time, Dale was as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. He was confident that once she ever was handed over to us, she was ours. It was as if she had always been ours to him. I'm thrilled that he had such faith.

Me, I was still scared. Right now I can't really elaborate as this small child is over my shoulder, wanting some one on one time.

We're not in Texas anymore....

Yesterday we made the short drive to Arkansas to visit my mother. Right before we adopted we had a plan to start building down there and eventually move. The adoption changed our course though. AJ really does want to live there, even though you look out the back door and see this.



















We thought we had life planned and had a surprise. Our baby girl. I don't know if our path in life changed or if she helped us stay on the one meant for us. Either way, we are going in the right direction now.

Genetics vs. ???

My mother and my daughter are almost identical in many ways. I'm not sure how it can even be possible to be so much alike since my daughter is adopted. It is almost like I am raising a child version of my mother. Not just the fact that both are dark haired with dark eyes. It is more than that. While I love my mother and daughter more than I can convey in words, these things they do annoy me. How did I end up with two people so much alike so close to me?

1) Utter disregard for organization. I knew that AJ was like my mother the very first time we colored together. Me, I take a box of crayons and try to keep them in some form of order, usually by the spectrum and by which needs to be used so that some aren't dull and some sharp. My daughter? She took the brand new box and dumped them out before I could say a word. She stirred them up and never looked back. My mother does the same thing, often dumping things in her purse or any drawer that can hold anything.

2) Lid? What lid? Neither one ever places a lid on anything. Toothpaste, ketchup, peroxide...if it has a lid then it goes without once they touch it.

3) Anything that is mine is up for grabs. When I was growing up, nothing was sacred in my room. Not because she was nosy, but because she might wander in, carelessly pick up my hairbrush, and then maybe not lay it down until she was, oh, at the barn. AJ does the same thing. I found my roll of scotch tape on the loveseat yesterday. Who knows why.

4) Obession with tape. This sounds crazy but they both are nuts about tape. I have to have a secret hiding place for my tape because if either one ever see it, it is gone. My mother has a tape dispenser that is for industrial use. She has already used a few and I don't really know why she needs it. I do know that it is loud and she can use it for hours on end. She has also wanted to buy one for AJ. I don't think she's old enough for a 'tape gun', as Mother calls it.

5) Both are fast food junkies. They are the only two people I have ever seen cry over the lack of fast food. Mother had a melt down when her arm was broken and dad was cooking. She couldn't drive, he hates chicken and pretty much the lived on tuna straight from the can and bananas for weeks. She called me in tears sayings, "I THINK I WILL DIE IF I DON'T GET SOME CHURCH'S CHICKEN TODAY". I had a similar experience with AJ when we tried to go 30 days with no McDonald's. After about day 10 she was crying, "I'm JUST A KID! I NEED McDONALD'S".

6) Both will take the advice of a stranger over my advice. How many times have I heard from my mother, "A lady in the check out line at K-Mart said....". Really? I told you that six months ago. Listen to me. AJ will do the same thing.

7) Both are nudists. Only at home. They hate to feel the confinement of chothes. It seems my whole life I have had to wait to open the door so that SOMEONE can get dressed,

8) Both are extreme animal lovers. I've seen my mother spend days without sleep just to try to save a newborn animal, be it calf, kitten or puppy. Nothing was really beyond trying. My daughter has the same love and compasion. Not a bad thing, but heartwrenching at times.

9) Sleep must be had. Both require at least 8 hours of sleep. If this isn't had, someone will pay dearly. Now, they may miss a night for something, but it will be made up. I promise. And if you wake them up before the required amount, you may as well wake a wild gorilla. Both can nap anything it is cool and dark. My mother has slept at the movie theater. AJ still falls alseep in the car.

10) They feel they have to right all wrongs done in their presence. Someone shoplifting. Mom screams for security. I wouldn't be shocked if someone shanked her, probably at K-Mart. Didn't follow Robert's Rules of Order? She will let you know. Or she would, back in the day. AJ does the same thing. Someone was picking on a neighborhood kid and she got up in their face and told them to leave her property and never come back or she would have a restraining order. The bully was about three times her size and could have squashed her. She also left me sister a note once about cursing. Funny.

There are more, many more. They cry when they have fever. They laugh at me when I can't find something. They hate a schedule. They don't want to be vegetarians. I've wondered if this is some cosmic joke, if God laughs out loud when he sees me looking for tape and a gift bag, only to find them crammed under her bed full of rocks. Who knows.